11 Jun Why didn’t you come?

‘Why didn’t you come to my film?’ Joel asks me, looking me intently in the eyes. Joel is a filmmaker and received permission to screen his latest documentary during a rest day of the Zen summer retreat. He had previously indicated how difficult he found it that only 15 of the 60 attendees at the summer camp had come to see his film. He was angry with his friends who were no longer friends to him. It touched him so deeply that he posed the question to the Zen master during a mondo, a question-and-answer session that takes place immediately after meditation and is attended by everyone.

The Zen Master’s Answer
Master Ryurin, who led this session, gave him this answer: ‘It was a day off. We call it a day of rest. People come here to meditate, not to watch your film. If people have made the choice to walk or go to the mountain stream, you cannot blame them. You are angry, but that is not because of them, but because of your expectations. With regard to “the Way,” it is actually a good training ground for you to let that go.’

Why didn’t you come?
Joel, however, was still injured, and I realized that I was one of those he was most disappointed in. ‘Why didn’t you come to my movie?’ Joel asks me. ‘I had gone to the mountain stream with Constance,’ I answered. ‘We see each other once a year, and she told me about the death of her mother, whom she had cared for very closely. It had left a deep impression on her. I chose to stay with her.’ Joel understood it a little better now, but was still upset. ‘If your daughter had given a presentation, would you have come?’ he asked me. My daughter was also present at the summer camp, and he could see that we had a good relationship. ‘I don’t think in terms of “if-then” situations,’ I answered. ‘I also didn’t know in advance that Constance would talk about her mother’s death. I only decided to stay with her by the river when this happened.’

In fact, I showed Joel my kitchen. The reason this wasn’t enough for him here was because it touched him so deeply. The disappointment was so great that he couldn’t process it, and the reproach kept coming back again and again.
In the days that followed, we started making jokes with each other again. Fortunately, the friendship turned out to be stronger after all.

Insight into the kitchen
From a communication perspective, this was an interesting incident. I deliberately gave Joel a glimpse into what had happened with me. In the event of disagreements, this is the first thing you should do: give the other person insight into your kitchen. And go take a look into the other person’s kitchen as well. For instance, I asked Joel if I could view the film in a different way. It turned out that this was not possible due to the film’s rights. He had gone to extra trouble to make this unique session possible for us. It gave me a greater understanding of him.

*This post has been automatically translated from Dutch